Atomic Scare Films V01
Survival Under Atomic Attack, Duck and Cover, American Cities Atomic Fallout Strategy, The Atom Strikes, You Can Beat the A-Bomb!
According to the Cold War-era instructional films collected here, any nuclear holocaust can be survived by merely hiding under a tool bench. And that pesky fallout can be easily disposed of through a brushing of the trousers, a fingernail cleaning, and a good shampoo. Thanks to the guinea pigs in Hiroshima, we now know about Survival Under Atomic Attack (b&w), and apparently all the answers are contained in a flimsy pamphlet, as read and discussed by a suburban couple in their Sunday best, enjoying a good evening smoke. The immortal Duck and Cover (b&w) opens with a musical animated sequence in which a happy-go-lucky turtle is tormented by a monkey wielding dynamite, to show kids how to duck and cover in case of nuclear attack. To demonstrate, we are shown endless drills of boys and girls ducking and covering in the classroom, outdoors, and at a picnic as soon as the narrator yells, Duck and cover! You Can Beat the A-Bomb (b&w) is an amazing piece of atomic propoganda that basically says a nuclear attack may be a tad inconvenient but it's nothing to get too upset over. Just close the windows, hide under some furniture, stay inside for about an hour, then start to clean up. It also contains some hilarious what if? scenes in which Mom unplugs the iron before taking shelter. Dad, however, is the big know-it-all who can spout off a credible sounding yet suspect answer to any nukie question thrown his way. For example, when his kids ask, Can we catch radiation from you, Daddy? Daddy answers, No, I'm keeping it all to myself! as he scrubs the fallout off with a quick soap lather! And remember, if you get radiation poisoning, lie down and rest. Someone who sounds like John Forsythe narrates the cleverly titled, American Cities Atomic Fallout Strategy (b&w), which details our nation's plans for The Big One, via cool fallout animation. At the nerve center for survival everything is labeled with bold signs like the Batcave, so we know we're in good hands. The Atom Strikes! (b&w) surveys the devastation of war-torn Japan, with a bounty of footage of demolished building and ravaged landscapes. Come out, come out, wherever you three-headed children are! Also included are a handful of National Guard commercials, including a singing cowboy spot, and a couple of cartoon kids being spun senseless by stock disaster footage. So stock up on canned goods, stay away from windows, follow the simple directions included in these films and, what the hell, you too may learn that atomic attacks may be a minor bother but also a lot of good old-fashioned fun. From 16mm mushroom-cloud prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW5542 Genre: MQH Genre2: WQR Retail: $15.00

Atomic Scare Films V02
Pattern for Survival (b&w), One World or None (b&w), Operation Q (b&w), And a Voice Shall Be Heard! (b&w), The Medical Aspects of Nuclear Radiation (color), Shock: Medical Self-Help Training (color), Infant & Child Care (color)
Here are more vintage nuke-themed ditties to watch in the comfort of your own reinforced concrete basement. It all begins with Pattern for Survival (b&w), narrated by Chet Huntley, who draws an analogy between nuclear war and some stuffed shirt pushing a crippled kid through a weaponry museum. Enter clichéd journalist William Laurence who reads off cue cards and spouts off about the psychological terror weapon as we get a simple science cartoon on Atom Splitting 101. The short then paints an unusually happy face on the prospect of Armageddon so long as you have a cellar packed with raisins, chocolate bars and Lava soap, you'll be okay! Oh, and simply cover your eyes upon impact. Then before you know it, as the final shot allows, you'll be back enjoying corndogs in no time. Its polar opposite is One World or None (b&w), which goes so far as to animate little skulls in the various nuclear blasts as NYC is decimated in cute cartoon fashion. Real footage includes Hiroshima kids sporting their trendy new heat blast hairdos. Operation Q (b&w) puts a home-ec spin on the horror, with June hanging around Civil Defense as they test how things might be affected by an atomic blast. The guys build houses and stuff them with mannequins, only to tear them to shreds with a nuclear test. She's more interested in the canned foods, though. With her lackadaisical narration, I half-expected her to say, I dreamed I toured a nuclear testing ground in my Maidenform bra! Should the bomb drop, at least your communications system in Syracuse will be A-OK, so goes the message of And a Voice Shall Be Heard! (b&w). It's a kick to see citizens scatter at the sound of a warning siren, especially the guy at the barber shop getting a shave. Moral of the story: Two-way radio rules! According to the animation in The Medical Aspects of Nuclear Radiation (color), the human body is run by dwarves wearing funny hats a prospect that bothers me as much as the threat of nuclear war. Equally disturbing is the demonstration of gamma rays entering the body, because they look like mean tapeworms. The narrator says that extensive use of atomic energy might eventually result in an overabundance of freaks, suitable for sideshows. Following are a load of shelter survival tips, where a routine world of chopped ham and saltines awaits! Then it's on to Shock: Medical Self-Help Training (color), which aims to shock on its own with opening narration like, This is a dead man. This man may die. She, too, may die. It quickly gets graphic with shots of a woman's hemorrhaging arm and burns, and you get to see some old coot vomit. Lastly, there's Infant & Child Care (color), in which an ugly suburban housewife, whose breasts you really don't want to see, pops out an udder, swabs it clean, and lets her baby start to suck. The narrator notes that preemies often look like wrinkled old men and then advocates giving boiled water to newborns. AA-AAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!! From 16mm duck-and-cover prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW7414 Genre: MQH Genre2: WQR Retail: $15.00

Atomic Scare Films V03
Fallout and Agriculture (color), Radiological Decontamination of Ships (b&w), The Medical Effects of the Atomic Bomb (b&w), Medical Services in Atomic Disaster (b&w), The Atom and Agriculture (b&w, Occupying a Public Shelter (color)
Hoard that Spam and head for the hills with this third go-round of friendly fallout films for the whole family! Volume 3 kicks off with Fallout and Agriculture (color), illustrated with a plethora of Crayola drawings. Against a painted farmhouse background, our host gives the straight dope to Old MacDonald, like what happens when Bessie gets bombarded with gamma rays, and why a little Strontium 90 in your bacon and eggs is not a good thing. The Navy-backed Industrial Radiological Decontamination of Ships (b&w) details step by step the process for approaching, surveying and cleaning a tainted naval vessel. If only the cast of Virus had seen this, we'd have been spared that cinematic monstrosity. The Medical Effects of the Atomic Bomb (b&w) is wonderfully tacky enough to do an amateurish re-enactment of Hiroshima at ground zero, complete with inserts of generic disaster footage. Medical Services in Atomic Disaster (b&w) features more explosions than the Tommy Lee and Pamela tape, and more mass destruction than a weekend at their house. Watching The Atom and Agriculture (b&w) is like passing by a car accident you simply cannot divert your eyes from the carnage! There's mutant corn, anemic cows, and nerd-o chemists forcing radioactive phosphorous down a hen's throat. It may all be in the name of science, but don't tell me they don't get a sadistic kick of it, too. Finally, there's Occupying a Public Shelter (color), which covers a lot of the shelter-survival tips from VOLUME 2, but with more paperwork, hard labor, group calisthenics, an all-child rendition of Frere Jacques and, thankfully, no saggy, middle-aged librarian titties. From 16mm glow-in-the-dark prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW7415 Genre: MQH Genre2: WQR Retail: $15.00

Boozers & Losers V01
From 5 to 7:30 (color), Pay the Piper (b&w), Choice Is Yours (b&w), Alcoholism (b&w), None for the Road: Teen-Age Drinking and Driving (b&w)
Think al-ke-hall never hurt anybody? Think again, with these five shorts of 100% pure proof! Sometime From 5 to 7:30 (color), a drunk-driving friend of ever-sullen Joe has killed a couple of innocent bystanders, and Joe (who acts largely by using his right hand) is quite pissed. Joe can't seem to find a sympathetic ear at home where his dad whips up a pitcher of drinks with the same caution practiced by someone manning a meth lab and, pretty soon, Mom and Dad are blotto, talking about Dewey vs. Truman blah blah blah. It's enough to make Joe scream, Mother, could we please eat dinner? had Mom not hit so much sauce she left the oven on too long. After a school lecture from the obligatory white-haired authority figure, Joe tries to find peace at the home of his pal Ruth, but it turns out her dad, too, is fond of after-work slurred speech. The moral: continue to let Dad booze up and kill his liver just don't you touch it. The Baptist-backed Pay the Piper (b&w) takes place on Betty's graduation night, and her father can't wait to give her a shiny new watch. He'll have to wait until the next life, however, as the cops inform him that she bought the farm in an auto accident and alcohol was involved. Betty's dad looks at the watch and breaks down crying. (What, didn't he save the receipt?) He then begins a Hardcore-esque investigation to find out who sold his daughter liquor, and goes around flashing her pic all over town like a badge, and finally tells his wife that he has no reason to go on living. I won't spoil the surprise ending, but boy, is it rich! In The Choice Is Yours (b&w), Jerry and Louise go to their chemistry teacher's house for a special lesson. There's good reason the teacher's in chem; as they arrive, he's got an array of fine liqueurs laid out on the table. But he's just eager to answer their questions like, Why does it make people do such queer things, which cues the footage of stumbling drunks and skid-row bums, in addition to an animated film on the human body being poisoned by the Devil's Drink. Alcoholism (b&w) delves into the case history of Ed the Alkie, and suggests that Ed's problem stems from his childhood, when his coloring skills were deemed not up to snuff by his abusive, undershirt-wearing father. I offer a more valid theory for driving him to drink: Ed and his wife sleep in separate beds! Finally, there's None for the Road: Teen-Age Drinking and Driving (b&w), in which Jerry chastises his friend Dan for ordering ginger ale instead of beer (What gives?). Dan explains that's he got the keys to the family car, and he's staying dry. He's so proud of the keys that he's attached them to a lucky charm, which attracts the eye of a young honey. Can I trade you for it? she asks. Looks to me like you got plenty of charm! says Dan who still doesn't get laid. While we see the ill effects of these pals' decisions to drink, a bespectacled doctor shows how alcohol affects lab rats. As if that wasn't enough, the good doc then shows us what happens when you use a moving automobile and a real, live deliveryman... Open a cool one and kick back with this collection. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW7439 Genre: MQH Genre2: DQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Boozers & Losers V02
Alcohol is Dynamite, There's a Message in Every Bottle, Becky, Alcohol in the Human Body, Far from Alone, Times 25
You drink, you die. It's that simple. Want proof? Watch this second volume of Boozers & Losers and learn to hate alcohol. Hiccup! Alcohol is Dynamite (b&w): From the early pantheon of SID DAVIS comes this horrifying slice of shock cinema guaranteed to make you think twice about having that next beer. Two underage boys ask Tom Ohlman, sports writer on the city paper, to buy beer for them. Instead, Tom tells them the Tragic Tale of Paul, Jim, and Tip, three high school buddies who sample booze and are soon spiking soft drinks at Scotty's Sandwiches, getting their girlfriends snockered, and committing vehicular homicide. After all, Alcohol is a violent narcotic! Jim even ends up on skid row, a hopeless derelict. Remember: Like dope addicts, one drinker can't stand the sight of somebody not drinking! So grab a cold one and prepare for scare. Scary says, Trippin' on Sid! There's a Message in Every Bottle (color): A big, swinging Russ Meyer-style soundtrack propels this colorful firewater epic about swingin' teens with false I. D.s which jumps from crazy beach party antics to astronauts in space to tigers in cages! Wow. Then, oh geeeez, it all gets gross with some real-life car accident snuff footage - no surprise since this was produced by EARLE DEEMS (Signal 30). The booze bottles even have scary faces painted on 'em! Scary says, Firewater-world! Becky (b&w): An eerie short focussing on the death of 13-year-old Becky at the hands of a drunk driver. Dark, depressing, and sad, this is one to sober up to. Scary says, Not a party movie! Alcohol in the Human Body (b&w): Super-crazy Sid Davis animated / stop-motion science lesson giving you the instant dope on alcohol. No moralizing, no death, no lectures, and no over-dubs make this somewhat of a curio from the Master of Social Disaster. Scary says, Dynamite Davis' softer approach! Far from Alone (b&w): Big-budget Women's Temperance Union attack on alcohol involves a scandal which ensues after a high school quarterback refuses to appear on a television program which has a beer company for a sponsor. Questions of morality fly around willy-nilly but for a real buzz try to watch the conclusion while inebriated. A doozey! Starring a young, pre-blonde SALLY FRASER (Giant from the Unknown) and JAMES LYDON (Strange Illusion). Directed by JEAN YARBROUGH (Hillbillys in a Haunted House). Scary says, Temper temper! Times 25 (color): Not-yet-President RONALD REAGAN shows up standing next to a mangled automobile railing about problem drinking. He asks a bunch of questions and says that if you answer yes to at least one you are a problem drinker. Or a Commie. Scary says, Common sense from the man who pacified protests at Berkeley with batons! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7658 Genre: MQH Genre2: DQS Retail: $15.00

Campy Classroom Classics V01
The Toy Telephone Truck (color), Kiddieland (1940, color), The Story of Beef (color), Paper and I (color), Ways to Good Habits (b&w), Over Night (color), Am I Trust Worthy? (b&w), Riddle of the Friendly Stranger (color)
Growing up is tough. You need all the help you can get. Which is why you need each and every one of the following Classroom Classics... The Toy Telephone Truck (color): Fans of old toys won't want to miss this gorgeous ode to toy telephone trucks. In eye-popping color we see the toy being made, inspected, then shipped to the toy store (covering all points in-between). Scary says: Sweeter than sweet toffee sweeteners! Kiddieland (1940, color): Kiddieland is like a David Lynch version of Disneyland, only smaller. Two young children are escorted around by a dodgy looking old geezer with a hat and snake skin boots. They ride boats, a mini-railroad, and horses too! At times reminiscent of someone's home movies, at least this film's narrator doesn't badger us with unimportant details. Scary says: See kiddies, isn't this fun? The Story of Beef (color): An atomic wife shops for canned beef as religious music plays on the soundtrack, the animated history of beef flashes before our eyes, and chicken bodies soon float through the air. Do educational films get any better than this? Definitely one to take a party to the next level. Scary says: I've died and gone to beef heaven! Paper and I (color): A dark and twisted opus about a talking bag. A talking bag that wants to teach Billy the history of paper making. From Columbus' discovery of North America to the invention of the printing press and beyond, this film covers all the bases until Billy finally takes his paper bag to school and eats his lunch. Warning: It is quite probable that this film could cause severe psychological trauma if viewed in its entirety. Scary says: You won't believe your eyes! Ways to Good Habits (b&w): In the Coronet universe of 1950's fantasia, habits are built or broken at the drop of a hat. Do you have a bad habit? Well just break it, and build a new one in its place! Habits such as hat wearing, batting styles, and gossip come under fire. Scary says: If only it were all that easy! Over Night (color): This film chronicles camp counselor training for 11 year-old girls. The narrator sounds like he's clearly trying to subvert his dialogue in a cheeky fashion: When I was a boy, I used to go into the woods with a sack of potatoes and eat roasted potatoes. If my son did that today, he would probably be called a juvenile delinquent! Scary says: Where's Jason when you need him? Am I Trust Worthy? (b&w): Little James doesn't understand why he wasn't elected treasurer. He asks his father, What's all this trust-worthy business about, anyway? His father responds with some tried, tested, and true Coronet ideology. Scary says: Trust me, you won't regret it! Riddle of the Friendly Stranger (color): Outrageous camp collides with horrific reality in this Stranger scare film in which the usual vignettes are presented alongside commentary from a deranged puppet. That's right, a puppet. And it's tough to decide whether the puppet or the strangers are more terrifying. Undoubtedly this film would have mentally scarred any unfortunate young one whose eyes were forced to look upon it. Scary says: These people are sick! Scary Ed
Code: SW7427 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Campy Classroom Classics V02
Mental Health (b&w), Manners in Public (color), Making the Most of School (b&w), Appreciating Our Parents (b&w), The ABC's of Babysitting (b&w), Don't Be Afraid (b&w), Your School Safety Patrol (b&w), Judy's Smile (color), The Dangerous Stranger (SID DAVIS, color)
Pay attention, no talking, take notes. Here's VOLUME 2 of our Campy Classroom Classics... and it just might save your life! Mental Health (b&w): Dr. Gibbs informs us that at least 2 of his graduating class of 40 will be spending quality time in a mental asylum! Why? They underestimated the power of Mental Health by bottling up their emotions! The more you talk about your problems, the easier they are to solve! So grab the nearest ear and let your emotional cargo run wild before they lock you up too! Manners in Public (color): Didn't you know that elevators require very special manners? Neither did Barbara, and even her best friend accuses her of being rude and running around like a nitty. Unless you have your Bus Manners, Store Manners, and Theatre Manners down stone cold, the world will reject you too! Making the Most of School (b&w):If you want to feel good about yourself, you'd better get your scholastic act together. Hell, look at Andy and Sarah. They've not only finished their required study, but have actually moved on to the next chapter! Don't you want to be like Andy and Sarah? Appreciating Our Parents (b&w): This is the story of a boy named Tommy and the things his Mother and Father do for him. Tommy left his room a mess, but now everything is clean and straight. How do you suppose this happened? Etc., etc.... The ABC's of Babysitting (b&w): It's not advisable to mix business and pleasure. Avoid perverted phone calls, pill-swallowing kids, and over-sexed boyfriends. If you do survive the night, make sure you get paid. And whatever you do, don't raid the refrigerator! Another classic from SID DAVIS, the Master of Social Disaster! Don't Be Afraid (b&w): Fear is natural. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually nature's way of reminding us to be careful. Bacon fat fires, public speaking, climbing drainpipes... don't worry. Be it lethal or psychological trauma, don't be a 'fraidy cat even if you know for a fact there's a monster under your bed. Your School Safety Patrol (b&w): The School Safety Patrol spend countless hours practicing and honing their skills. Their job? Helping kids cross the street. Unbelievably complicated though it is, the hardest part of the job is remembering you are not a Policeman. Don't try and stop cars on the street. Oh... thanks. Judy's Smile (color): Just when you thought you'd seen it all, up waltzes a duo of talking toothbrushes, Mr. Morning Toothbrush and Mrs. Evening Toothbrush, and all they do is worry about Judy taking care of her pearly whites. Helpful hints include never put money or marbles in your mouth, and don't stand behind the batter! More entertaining than you could possibly imagine. The Dangerous Stranger (SID DAVIS, color): Detective Jones of the LAPD tells the story of little Debbie Vincent, who went off with A Stranger and was never seen again! Perverts dwell in movie theaters, back alleys, and parks. Known lures include baseball cards, candy, and compliments. Never hitchhike and don't trust old men with dodgy moustaches. Scary Ed
Code: SW7428 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Campy Classroom Classics V03
cts of Courtesy (b&w), The Walk to School (color), Care of the Skin (b&w), On Our Own (Sid Davis, color), Adventures on an Outboard (color), Which Way? (color), Getting Along with Others (color)
As if childhood wasn't complicated enough, this third VOLUME of Classroom Classics is gleefully guaranteed to make things even worse... Acts of Courtesy (b&w): Centron prided itself in producing uncompromising Polaroids of troubled youths. This film is no exception. The rockbottom budget lends a touch of surrealism to the lessons in courtesy presented here, which range from shouting to internalizing problems. Best scene: a group of young boys can't decide where to have their picnic so they yell at each other for five minutes. Director HERK HARVEY went on to make the low-budget horror classic Carnival of Souls (1962). Scary says: Carnival of courtesy! The Walk to School (color): Johnny walks to school. The catch? Our narrator sings his dialogue. Example: Walking to school, doo-do-do, walking to school, doo-do-do... Johnny observes baby robins, train tracks, and the giant candy cane outside the barber's shop. Imagine eating a candy that big? Alas, the songs end when Johnny gets to school and he recounts his fascinating odyssey to the teacher. Scary says: All singing, no dancing (natch)! Care of the Skin (b&w): In which we're treated to gratuitous animation of sweat glands and skin pores, disgusting footage of children that make the Elephant Man look like the Noxema girl, and three of the worst child actors ever to grace an educational film. You have been warned. Scary says: Skin. And lots of it! On Our Own (Sid Davis, color): Your day should be like the astronaut's, chock-full of good judgment and taking responsibility for yourself and others. And Bob does just that, cautiously walking his little bro to school like the kid was precious cargo. Later Bob deflects potentially dangerous situations by explaining to his younger sibling that throwing rocks is very wrong and later telling his pals not to play in the street. Scary says: What a frickin' kill-joy! Adventures on an Outboard (color): A strange tale of a boy obsessed with a boat. He communicates with a small wooden sailor who's actually a better actor than his goofy parents. Loads of domestic disputes and great boating sequences make this an educational film to cherish. Scary says: Arr matey, camp to the starboard bow! Which Way? (color): Geography is today's lesson, and you better be ready because it's very complicated. Perhaps Coronet sought to make a mountain out of a molehill; perhaps the streets of 1950's suburbia were this labyrinthine in design... Whatever, just kick back and let the narrator's silky voice guide you round the neighborhood. Scary says: Coronet films boiled down to a compromise between real life and life as it ought to be! (Actually, director TED PESHAK said that, not Mr. Scary.) Getting Along with Others (color): Our monotonic narrator informs us that getting along with others is very important. His suggestion? Compromise. Did films like these help create a generation of spineless yes-men? You decide. Scary says: Getting along with others is highly overrated! Scary Ed
Code: SW7429 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Campy Classroom Classics V04
Taking Care of Things (color), George's New Suit (color), Watch Out for Poisons! (color), The Battery (color), Litterbug (color), Joan Avoids a Cold (b&w), Telephone for Help(color), The Wise Use of Credit (color), Why Clean Your Teeth (b&w)
Yes, you can easily turn a maladjusted child into a normal healthy adult if, and only if, he watches these Campy Classroom Scare Films and follows every rule... Taking Care of Things (color): This is the story of Andy and his things. Poor Andy has lost his pencil. Then he comes home to find his pet tadpoles dead, his special present missing, and his toy jet broken. Why did all this bad stuff happen to Andy? Scary says: Three guesses! George's New Suit (color): George gets some new clothes in the mail and asks, Where did it all come from? We're then shown the genesis of George's new suit, starting with the sheep that provided the wool right up to the Asians that operated the pressing machines. Scary says: A Scare Film sweetie! Watch Out for Poisons! (color): Ultra-cheap-looking puppets deal with the deadly world of poisons. Possibly the cheapest looking film ever made. Scary says: Please don't hate us! The Battery (color): Another befuddling epic that will make you scream I don't believe it! We see cave-men and women banging each other over the head while the narrator talks about the history of the battery. And what a history! We see Romans, Arabs, Knights, Merlin, Cowboys, and Gangsters. Is it funny? No, but it's full of rockbottom budget sets and pretty girls that look drunk. We are not kidding. Scary says, The Battery. Crazy. Very. Is. Litterbug (color): On the way to school, litterbug Tom makes a mess with orange peels and napkins. Once at school, Tom's teacher whips out a 16mm projector and shows the class a film about a nice black family that cleans up the mess they leave behind, and a beach covered in broken glass. After the film, Tom decides to change his bad habits. Scary says: More proof that 16mm scare films actually worked! Joan Avoids a Cold (b&w): Joan catches a cold and ends up infecting everyone. The rest of the film is spent scare-mongering about the cold virus and how easy it is to infect others. In fact, this film makes colds look worse than ebola. Scary says: If people followed this film no one would ever leave their home! Telephone for Help(color): A woman hanging curtains falls off a step. Luckily, her son phones for help. The narrator criticizes the boy for taking too long. In emergency #2, a little girl who notices her garage on fire is quicker and more efficient on the phone. See, isn't it easy? Scary says: Phone skills for those funny 911 moments! The Wise Use of Credit (color): Mr. Money, a grinning, happy ol' codger, has a little box that educates confused teens in the ways of credit using crude animation. This film is more confusing than filling out a tax return. Best bit: Julie watches as Jack gets confused and then asks, Mr. Money, do girls have to learn this stuff too? Scary says: Mr. Money can stick it where the sun don't shine! Why Clean Your Teeth (b&w): Why? Well, when movies like this show close-ups of decaying black teeth what else can you really do? Just as horrible as being in the Dentist's office without actually being in the Dentist's office. Scary says: Is it over yet? Scary Ed
Code: SW7430 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V05
No description yet
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Code: SW7655 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V06
Rules and Laws, Otto the Auto: Squeaky and His Playmates, Otto the Auto: Peter the Pigeon, The Talking Car, What's So Important About The Wheel?, Being Different, How Far, How To Prepare A Class Report, We Go To School, Otto the Auto: Timothy the Turtle, Otto the Auto: Billy's New Tricycle, Sleep For Health
As if kids don't already find the world complicated enough, this 6th volume of Campy Classroom Classics seeks to make things even worse.... Rules and Laws (b&w): An overly-involved dad explains to his annoying kids why there are so many goddamn rules. When the brats debate whether or not to play in the street, Dad twists their squabbling to suit his own agenda of ranting about traffic jams, flooding, and factory pollution! Gosh, Dad's fun. Otto the Auto: Squeaky and His Playmates (b&w): Triple AAA cartoon finds Squeaky the Squirrel bummed when he can't find any human playmates at the playground. He and Otto the Auto - who talks and wears a little hat - search for the little bastards only to be horrified by a new girl telling kids to play in the streets! Otto the Auto: Peter the Pigeon (b&w): A sombrero-wearing sky rat freaks when he sees kids walking on the wrong side of the road. Otto quickly corrects them and points to some country bumpkins who already know how to walk on the left. They even have a little song about it and gleefully chant their superiority to the others. The Talking Car (color): Yipes! As if Otto wasn't scary enough, Jack, Mary and Rags are stalked by a red vehicle with eyes and mouth who spouts safety tips at them and makes auto-related puns! Oddly, the kids do not seem at all surprised by this, and eagerly share traffic-related anecdotes with their bizarre new friend. What's So Important About The Wheel? (color): Wheels are fun! Wheels make work easier! Wheels help us go places! Wheeeeeeeeee! We love wheels! Being Different (b&w): Nature Boy George is torn between wanting to join the school's Butterfly Club (!) and... well... having friends. How Far (color): A family trip becomes a Ride in Hell when Mom and Dad make the kids calculate the distance they are traveling. Too bad the kids aren't armed. How To Prepare A Class Report (b&w): Dan has to write a class paper about an occupation and chooses The Farm when he's inspired by a pair of curtains. He even goes to a real farm where he performs chores and takes pictures of pigs. Talk about over-achievement! Personally, we hope he gets an F. We Go To School (b&w): In his first day at a new school, Jimmy's teacher shows the class a movie about counting chickens - Whoa! A classroom film in a classroom film in a classroom-film compilation! Yikes! Jimmy then makes new friends by not being a show-off and, more importantly, sharing his marbles. Otto the Auto: Timothy the Turtle (b&w): Betty, Jack, and Timothy the Turtle go to a toy store where Timothy becomes extremely excited by a bunch of toy turtles... until Betty runs him over with a toy car. Otto the Auto: Billy's New Tricycle (b&w): Billy is totally out of control on his new tricycle until Otto drags him to a playground where the little hooligan is taught proper bike behavior by some older and more threatening cartoon kids. Sleep For Health (b&w): Because George stays up late and doesn't get enough sleep, he's a cranky, irritable monster the next day. We suggest having him swallow some friendly sleeping pills. Lots and lots and lots of them.... Miss Busy Bea
Code: SW7656 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V07
Safely To School, Our Foster Mother, The Cow, Mother Mack's Puppies, Sailing a Toy Boat, The School Bus & You, Magnetism, Our Fire Exit Drill, Family Teamwork, The Goof
Animals rule this 7th volume of Campy Classroom Classics. Why? Because kids love animals and we love kids... as long as they obey The Rules! Safely To School (color): It's little Janie's first day of kindergarten and up to Mom and third-grader Fred to navigate her safely to school. Unlike most of these whitebread, small-town tales, this one takes place in a busy suburban setting where potential danger and death lurk behind every hedge, alley, and curve! Our Foster Mother, The Cow (color): A tribute to The Cow that plays like a dairyman's dream come true. In fact, it's so loving that it's almost like a bovine porno. But let's face it: cows are the greatest living creatures that ever existed, and each is described like a contestant in a beauty pageant! Best taken with milk. Mother Mack's Puppies (color): More mommy / baby bonding issues abound when Don and Doug pimp out Mother Mack's pooches to the various neighbors. There's even some doggy S&M when one of them thinks, I would like you to be my Mistress. Down, boy, down! Sailing a Toy Boat (color): A hilariously monotone narrator (who sounds like he gulped one too many downers) gives a blow-by-blow account of what happens when a joyous family outing almost turns disastrous after Frank is given a new toy boat. First, the boat gets stuck in the middle of the pond, then it nearly sinks when sister Jean stupidly puts her dolly on it for a ride. When Jean starts freaking out, Penny, the dog, reluctantly saves the day. Another good reason to keep abortion legal. The School Bus & You (color): More pedestrian safety tips told by a narrator totally incapable of any human emotion. In a nutshell: get in the bus, get off the bus, and try not to get run over. Magnetism (b&w): Joe uses his magnetism to impress Alice by showing the little ninny his vast collection of magnets and teaching her all about magnetic fields. Joe is a wellspring of magnetic knowledge and this obviously turns Alice on.... Or maybe it's just the metal plate in her head. Our Fire Exit Drill (b&w): When a class screws up a simple fire drill, it's practice, practice, practice for these dimwitted slow pokes until they get it right. The teacher coaches them in the art of being orderly, walking in single file, and standing there like good little soldiers. We're surprised she didn't try setting them on fire. Family Teamwork (color): Dad adores his children, especially big sister Barbara who's so pretty she's the cover girl of Goat Magazine! His family has lots of fun slaving on the farm, entering 4H-Club competitions, and even selling goats to Guam. We especially liked Barbara's long, strong strokes when milking her goats. The Goof (color): Entrepreneurial Ted and Pam raise cute little hamsters and sell them to labs for medical research. They're especially proud of Mr. Brown, their virile stud hamster. But while they like furry animals, they hate an obnoxious red-headed brat named Henry whom they've nicknamed The Goof, especially after he blows a big baseball game. But when The Goof finds the recently-escaped Mr. Brown, they decide to give him the time of day. May they all get rabies. - Miss Busy Bea
Code: SW7657 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V08
Health: Your Food, Accidents Don't Just Happen, Soap Box Derby USA, Jean and Her Dolls, Say No to Strangers, The ABC of Walking Wisely, The Cautious Twins, How to Protect Your Bike, Your Hair and Scalp
More Rules to Live Life Right By are included in this eighth volume of Campy Classroom Scare Films. Pay attention, take notes, and no talking. Health: Your Food (b&w): Centron once again earns their salt with this slice of surreal puppetry to which mere words can do no justice. Percy stuffs himself on candy and soda, then suffers a sugar-induced hallucination in his bed. An eerie leprechaun named Nute (short for nutrition) promptly arrives and lectures the boy... With his merry band of evil puppets... In rhyme.... Scary says: Would you like some sugar with that LSD? Accidents Don't Just Happen (b&w): Cute but exasperating pseudo-scientific examination of possibly the boringest-ever accident using children's drawings, radiodays-era sound effects, and a group of kiddie actors who could barely pass for totem poles on a good day. Boo. Scary says, Paging Sid Davis! Report to the infirmary! Soap Box Derby USA (color): Fatherless Bo obsesses over constructing the ultimate soap box racer so he can win money for his college scholarship. Which is strange because Bo looks about 6 years old. Even stranger is Dad's ghostly voice reminding Bo that a man is nothing without an education! Look out for PAUL ANKA's hilarious cameo! Scary says: Fizzy cherry-tastic Americana with crunched ice and an umbrella! Jean and Her Dolls (color): Jean and Betty have a doll tea party while combating nagging fears that dolly Beatrice has burnt fingers. But when the dollies have a nap, Jean's sneaky brother, Frank, crayons red measles on dolly Jane's poor face! But Jean's doll-disease trauma is quickly forgotten when Mom insists on an impromptu game of hide and seek.... Scary says, Hello, Dolly, well hello, Dolly... Say No to Strangers (color): After conquering grades 1 through 6 with Dangerous Stranger, Scare-Despot SID DAVIS whips the kindergarten crowd into a frenzy with this junior-stranger scare flick. Scary says, The oft-forgotten soft side of Sid! The ABC of Walking Wisely (color): Another beautifully crafted Sid Davis softie focussing on the rules of walking wisely. Amazingly, this is the second Sid Davis film in this volume in which no one gets as much as a scratch. Scary says, Don't be a J-Walker, be an A-Walker! The Cautious Twins (color): Animated adventures of the perma-grinning Cautious Twins as they avoid all kinds of deadly strangers lurking in cars, bushes, and movie theaters. Obviously, the world is simply crawling with twin-craving creeps. Scary says, Hysterical cartoon terror! How to Protect Your Bike (color): Wacky, out-of-this-world slapstick atrocity from the usually nasty Mr. Davis. Scary says, Sid Davis momentarily apes the Keystone Cops... to no avail! Your Hair and Scalp (color): All about those follicles jutting out of your dermis, complete with some marvelously dated Hair Styles from Hell. Narrated by some British-sounding snot. Scary says, Hair raising! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7727 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V09
Journey in Time, Exploring the Moon, This is Your Land, Heredity and Environment, Our Magic Land, Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket, Airport Activities
So much to know, so many ways to foul things up. The world is a complicated place but, fortunately, this 9th volume of Campy Classroom Classics explains it all. Pay attention, memorize every fact, and watch out for the Pop Quizzes of Life. Journey in Time (color): The evolutionary history of planet Earth told through photography, slickly-crude animation, and music from Masterpiece Theatre, plays like an early Saturday-morning cartoon. Like around 5:30 Saturday morning. And look, kids, dinosaurs! Scary says, Rocket Robin Hood, where art thou? Exploring the Moon (color): Two old fogies in goofy Nude-on-the-Moon-like spacesuits - DR. C. H. CLEMINSHAW, director of the Griffith Observatory, and ART BAKER (of early TV's You Asked for It!) - get in a spaceship and, through the wonders of technology, fly a 1960-style mission over the moon. Covering the most inane details and studying every lunar pockmark, they explain it all quite scientifically. Scary says, Where's the green cheese? This is Your Land (color): More lecturing on how badly we treat our planet: Yes, it's a good land, America... at least it was! Which would all be terribly depressing if it wasn't for a variety of excellent, almost National-Geographic-calibre photography: Nature's plan and operation in all its violence and beauty! The bottom line: mankind sucks! Scary says, A green party! Heredity and Environment (color): Will you be tall if both your parents are short? Will you be short if both your parents are tall? If this line of questioning appeals to you, it probably did to your parents too. Heredity is explained - but not understood - using corn, horses, humans, and even pigeons as examples. (And the farm setting keeps the subtext of this volume flowing along nicely too.) Scary says, My parents like Scare Films too! Our Magic Land (color): Brought to you by the United States Ministry of the Interior, Our Magic Land stars a carnival magician named The Great Conservo. How's that for subtlety? After some neat party tricks, Conservo's act turns eco-friendly and we get another lecture about abusing Mother Earth. Scary says, Many of us prefer a camera to a gun! Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (color): Young Johnny is given the full tour of a late-1950's Mayfair supermarket by his daddy-manager and, oh boy, is this exciting: Watch this truck backing in, Johnny! It's bringing some of the food the market will sell! Meat, fruit, vegetables, and canned goods abound, and little Johnny can't get over the profound complexities of selling simple produce. And isn't that meat-cutting room fun! Scary says, Fresh cuts for the pre-school gang! Airport Activities (b&w): American Airlines presents this whopping slice of L. A. airport life from back in the days when flying was a privilege, and men sat in the control tower with binoculars. Oh, to fly the empty skies without concern for air rage, wake vortex, mid-air collisions, metal detectors, or terrorists. Scary says, Airport 1952! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7728 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V10
The Magic Book, My Milkman, Joe, Citrus, The Golden Fruit, The New Look in Potatoes, Summer on the Farm, Farmer Don and the City, The Four Food Groups, The Zoo
Some of you just haven't been paying attention and risk getting a failing grade in Life. So for all you foul-ups - and those among you who wish to continue doing things right - here's Volume 10 of our Campy Classroom Classics. The Magic Book (color): Animated LSD-style cartoon about a boy and the book he got from the library that starts talking to him: Please turn my pages from the corners instead of the middle! Actually, the boy handles this bizarre event relatively well... until the book gets downright condescending and deserving of some immediate crayon defacement. Sadly, that does not occur. Scary says, T. J. Booker! My Milkman, Joe (color): Wow! Sci-fi-themed nutball Dairy Film for the kids includes 1950's body-snatcher sets, a creepy outer space puppet, a zany electrokeyboard soundtrack, and waaaaay too much information about the day-to-day life of a milkman. Mr. Half-Pint, an alien (hand puppet) from the Milky Way, hangs out with Milkman Joe who visits an elementary school with the creature: A magic trick as smooth as silk will make five glasses full of milk! The very unnatural relationship between Joe and his puppet is, fortunately, only hinted at. Pity the souls that were shown this horror show in pre-school. Scary says, Got milk? Citrus, The Golden Fruit (color): Oranges, lemons, and grapefruits are visually and orally fetishized by narrator MARVIN MILLER who clearly loves his orange drink. Positively overflowing with beautiful prose and photography, this valentine to the joys of citrus is pure 100% entertainment. Scary says, Vitamin C+! The New Look in Potatoes (color): Well, what do you know? Overnight, potatoes are new! Similarly structured as the above Citrus film, this American potato fetish film will have you running out to eat all the variations of our little brown friend with the newly acquired respect and admiration you'll have for this pudgy vegetable. This spud's for you. Scary says, Mashed, and all the better for it! Summer on the Farm (color): Hazy, sun-dried, Kodachrome memories of a summer two kids spend on a farm. And all those animals, crops, and machinery sure look appealing. Best of all is chowing down on those mutant watermelons the farm is growing: How red and juicy it is! Watermelon is a summer treat! Yes, summer is a good time to live on the farm! Scary says, Farm Aid! Farmer Don and the City (color): All those Kentucky Joes gotta pick up feed somewheres, don't they? And they gotta get the moneys out of the bank for the supplies. And they gotta get gun powder. And they also gotta get the fancy stuffs for the Misses. And that's what the city's for. Scary says, Farmer Don drops the bomb! The Four Food Groups (color): Overly ambitious food planning for the kids stresses health tips that not even an adult could possibly follow. Scary says, We want cheeseburgers, thank you very much! The Zoo (color): Tommy and his mother visit the zoo only to discover that all the animals are actually happy to be caged up and scared by humans all day long. Boy, relief there. Scary says, Zoo TV! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7729 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V11
What Makes Day and Night, Health: Your Cleanliness, The Human Brain, About the Human Body, Polly the Parrot, Mother Mack Trains Her Puppies, Animules, Frank and His Dog, Acts of Courtesy, Measuring Temperature
So many rules, so little time. And this 11th volume of Campy Classroom Classics contains even more rules. Remember, one little screwup and your life is kaput! What Makes Day and Night (b&w): Young Jim and Jane pester dad with all sorts of questions about night and day, so dad takes it upon himself to demonstrate the Earth's movement using a globe. Scenes of post-war bliss illustrate the difference between what happens when it's dark and what happens when it's light. Scary says, It's dark in China right now! Health: Your Cleanliness (b&w): Wash those germs away, kiddies! No matter how smart or strong or good you are, others will not like you if you are dirty! Flush, brush, wash, scrub, rub, and spend quality time in the tub if you want to go far in life. You heard it here first, folks! Scary says, Deep down and dirty! The Human Brain (b&w): Bernard Herrmann-esque strings on the soundtrack accompany a near car accident while the narrator solemnly babbles on about our pulpy mass of cells and fibers. Quite possibly more than you would ever want or need to know about your grey matter, made all the more loony by some weird-ass pop art representing thoughts and ideas. Scary says, The Life of Brain! About the Human Body (color): A colorful little medical picture about a boy's trip to the Doctor's Office where he learns all about the human body and what makes it tick. Scary says, Body art! Polly the Parrot (color): Polly is a loud abrasive parrot who goes on an adventure, angering the cat, and nearly getting eaten by the dog. Includes a fantastic faux Pirate and much squawking. Scary says, Polly wants to crack her! Mother Mack Trains Her Puppies (color): Cutesy-pie doggie drama that almost plays like a dreamy home movie from the 1950's. Mother Mack does indeed train her pups, and the world seems a better place because of it. Scary says, Dog daze! Animules (color): Animules are terribly creepy paper toys that look like animals. Oh dear. This film will teach you how to make them for those days when you really want to freak out a young child. Scary says, Animule instinct! Frank and His Dog (color): Saturday afternoon chores mean that no one can play with Penny the pooch, so the cute little canine goes on a doggie rampage and causes all kinds of trouble. Complete with strange subtitles that don't match with what the narrator is saying and bring unintentional surreality to this pet saga. Scary says, That was weird! [Subtitle: What is he saying?] Acts of Courtesy (b&w): Two rude kids with absolutely no sense of manners are shown annoying all life on the planet in this great slice of Centron Americana. Cutting in front of the water-fountain line, bothering dad when he reads the paper, and buggin' mom while she's making a cake are just some of the uncourteous crimes on display. Scary says, Please and thank you, now get out of my way! Measuring Temperature (b&w): Little Steve learns all about thermometers and the liquid in the tube in this scientific Centron. Scary says, Open wide! Scary Ed
Code: SW7730 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V12
Water Cycle, Fire, Let's Count, Adventure in Science: The Size of Things, Basic Fibers in Cloth, Let's Measure: Feet, Inches, and Yards, The Meaning of Plus and Minus, Exchanging Greetings and Introductions, Exercise for Happy Living, Good Eating Habits
The planet is spinning out of control, death and destruction are everywhere but, fortunately, there are rules. Let this 12th volume of our Campy Classroom Classics explain it all to you and your life will henceforth be fine... Water Cycle (color): Spooky Christian overtones spice up this love sonnet to water. Don't you know that without water the world would not exist, and man has historically denied water its proper due. Until now! Strangely enough, this film was produced by the Standard Oil Company, presumably before they started polluting the oceans.... Scary says, More watery than American beer! Fire (b&w): A matter of fact discussion about fire which should be compulsory viewing for all you closet pyros.... Scary says, Panda on fire was cool! Let's Count (b&w): Basic counting skills are called upon by Joe and Susie while inspecting chicks at a feed store which opens up a Pandora's Box of non-stop counting possibilities... Scary says, Thank God for calculators! Adventure in Science: The Size of Things (b&w): Using Gulliver's Travels as a starting point, our narrator giddily leads us through increasingly demanding irregularities in size which somehow involve drugged-up mice and cart-pulling beetles. Really. They just don't make adventures like this anymore! Scary says, Dimensions of dementia! Basic Fibers in Cloth (b&w): Home Economics yarn about a group of eager-beaver girls going gaga over fibers. Boys just won't understand this type of girl thang. Scary says, Home voodoo-economics! Let's Measure: Feet, Inches, and Yards (b&w): Jimmy gets to the bottom of all this measuring hoopla by using a ruler to chronicle his growth spurts. Ain't life fun? Scary says, Take us to your Ruler! The Meaning of Plus and Minus (b&w): A meek elementary-school teacher throws out hypothetical situations to her class then asks, Is that a plus or a minus? Oh, if life were only that simple... Scary says, Halfway between a plus and a minus! Exchanging Greetings and Introductions (b&w): Truthful youthful folly from the neo-realists at Centron. Lots of awkward introductions and rude greetings give way to what if I had a second chance-type talk. At the end of the day, Common Courtesy wins out as the narrator drops loads of tips on how to keep a conversation flowing quite nicely, thank you. Scary says, Respect the talk! Exercise for Happy Living (b&w): Not getting picked for the baseball team causes pre-teen Jimmy to re-evaluate his slacker life. That muscles are shown as animated babies pulling a rope inside his arm somehow motivates him to work at being an athlete. Scary says, Wait'll Jim learns about steroids! Good Eating Habits (b&w): As the perfect nuclear family gathers for dinner, something's wrong with little Billy. He's not hungry and, in fact, has a tummy ache. Why? Because the damn brat raced through breakfast, gulped down lunch, and gorged himself on after-school snacks. Yup, he's mistreated his stomach all day long! Scary says, Buuuurrrrrrrrrp! Scary Ed
Code: SW7731 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

NEW! Campy Classroom Classics V13
This is the Moon, A Day at the Fair, Exploring Your Growth, Skipper Learns a Lesson, Skipper Learns a Lesson, Friction, What Is Science?, The Nature of Energy, What Makes Rain, Chalks and Chalkboards,
Don't be unlucky in the world. Watch this 13th volume of Campy Classroom Classics and learn the secrets to a happy, healthy and, yes, productive life! This is the Moon (b&w): In this educational, made long before man set foot on the moon, we learn that the earth's nearest astronomical neighbor is a source of wonder and pleasure to all who behold it - but, hey, where are the monsters? A Day at the Fair (b&w): The Olson family brings their livestock to the county fair! It's a 4H-Club extravaganza and we get to see displays of fish, butterflies, home canning, fruits, vegetables, and critters galore. As if that weren't exciting enough, the kids see a parade with majorettes and floats, a steeple chase race and, best of all, a thrilling ride on the giant ferris wheel. What a whirlwind day! Exploring Your Growth (b&w) Simple animation and live human beings demonstrate how and why things grow. We discover that we're made up of trillions (!) of living cells, and see a cartoon of how our food is digested and absorbed by churning away in our tubular innards. How lovely. Skipper Learns a Lesson (color): Skipper the dog is a bigot. He won't play with the other dogs in the neighborhood because they look different. In fact, he's downright rude to them... until he gets covered in paint and needs their help. But the other dogs then snub him. Eventually, kids give him a bath and Skipper learns that size, shape, and color doesn't matter but being nice does. Group hug, everyone! Friction (b&w): In case you didn't know, things slide easily on smooth surfaces, but not on rough ones. Amazing, huh? Friction happens when objects rub together, and this can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on who or what is getting rubbed. Of course, Something Weird Video has a number of films where friction is definitely a good thing... though it's not something that can be shown to kiddies. What Is Science? (b&w): Tom and Joan are inquisitive little imps with no adult supervision and way too much time on their hands. They conduct various experiments with jugs of water and even use the stove without permission! Tomorrow we expect they'll be making bombs in their bedroom. The Nature of Energy (b&w): Consider all the different ways energy is used to make an educational film about... energy! From the simple kinetic action of metal balls banging together to the awesome power of atoms splitting, the nature of energy is fully explained. Wowie-wow-wow! What Makes Rain (b&w): Because it's raining, a little boy can't go out and play so, instead, he writes a letter to a weatherman asking why it has to rain. We're then told all about evaporation, condensation, and why laundry dries on a clothesline. If he had asked us, we would've said it's because God hates him. Chalks and Chalkboards (color): Well, who knew? Apparently chalk comes in all types and grades and it's absolutely imperative that you use the right one. The chalkboard is also a good way to humiliate students. And just what does one do about unsightly ghostmarks and oily chalking? This film has all the answers. Now you too can master this obsolete non-subject! Miss Busy Bea
Code: SW7732- Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V01
Teenage Conflict, Teenage Witness, Teenage Code!
Hell, why not? We have Scare Films about drugs, atomic attacks, highway safety, and sex hygiene, so why not some good old-fashioned Protestant propaganda about the Big G Himself. As becomes quickly obvious, Christian teens are living, breathing, walking loaves of Wonder Bread. All are so gosh-darned polite and drink a lot of milk, at least so sayeth the following three Family Films presentations offered here. It's sort of like Leave It to Beaver meets Jesus Christ. So do as these Christian Youths do and get yourself saved! Appropriately, this VOLUME begins with a real religious rarity: A Preview of Teenage Crusade is a 12 minute trailer promoting the whole series of Family Films' Christian Youth shorts to help you have a dynamic Teenage Crusade in your church in which the Rev. Donald R. Lantz hosts clips from Teenagers' Parents, Teenage Code, Teenage Loyalty, Teenage Testament, Called to Serve, and, yes, Teenage Crusade. It's the perfect tool against Teenage Devil Worshippers in your community! Then, in Teenage Conflict (1960, b&w), close-cropped, basement-dwelling electronics buff (and marbles champion) Joe starts wondering how the theories of God can co-exist with those of his beloved science: Things in the Bible don't make sense anymore, not when you look at 'em scientifically! Choosing science over the Lord, Joe attempts to sway his folks to his side by inviting a prominent scientist over for supper which worries Mom and Dad HAYDEN RORKE (Dr. Bellows on I Dream of Jeannie!): How can a man with a mind like that be so blind to the very Creator Himself? But oops! The plan backfires and God wins! Teenage Witness (1959, b&w) finds close-cropped locksmith buff Terry asked by tough heathen classmate Rod (Lost in Space's MARC GODDARD) to teach him the key-making trade for obvious, less-than-holy purposes. But Terry (who's nicknamed Holy Joe) appeals to Rod's good side by buying him a Bible and getting Rod to attend a Christian Youth group. Yup, God wins again! I finally got hep to a lot of things I should'a known, says the future Irwin Allen TV star! And in Teenage Code (1959, b&w), snout-nosed art buff Bill is asked by a gang of hoodlums to paint a mural on their clubhouse wall by offering the faint promise of membership once the job is finished. Bill is hesitant. To get him to finish, they give him the answers to the upcoming history quiz. Bill cheats until his conscience gets to him and he rips up his test paper, prompting concern from his noble teacher. Don't ya see? Cheating or lying or any other kind of dishonesty is contrary to everything a Christian stands for! The winner in a three-peat: God! These squeaky clean religious shorts will certainly put you on the right path to salvation. So do yourself a favor. Watch these, become Christianized, and get down on your knees. From 16mm prints, on loan from the Lord. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW5557 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V02
Teenage Choice, Teenage Christmas Teenage Loyalty, The Right Start!
God works His mysterious and magical ways in the lives of various troubled teens in this sophomore collection of scrubbed-behind-the-ears shorts from the atomic age. Kicking off the quartet of tales is A Teenager's Choice (1959, b&w) in which the soon-to-be-18-year-old heroine has decided to run away and elope with her well-meaning (and looks like he's soon-to-be-30) boyfriend, who schleps for pennies at the local service station... until her dad gives her the ol' guilt trip about how important a real Christian wedding in a church is to a successful marriage: Marriage is a sacred relationship. And you'll be starting right with Christ as the center of your life! Then she tells her would-be hubby that she'd rather just stay home and play Scrabble with the fam for now instead of putting dents into the headboard: Marriage is... for real! All is happy. Teenage Christmas (1960, b&w) follows, as a youth group is too absorbed assembling a nativity scene to answer the soul-searching questions of two mischievous kids. When the brats later throw snowballs at the display in an act of sugar-coated rebellion, the group at first cries for blood: It's... it's sacrilegious! It's not until one of the more dull boys warns that they're reps of the church, so they should just chill out and tell the kids Bible stories instead. All is happy. In Teenage Loyalty (1960, b&w), perky Jean has her extracurricular eggs in one too many baskets. With the school play and other activities, she neglects her responsibilities as head of her youth group, particularly in trying to find a filmstrip on Africa. When she asks for help too late, her friends turn her down. One guy uses the excuse that he has to help the old farts at the retirement home. Even hunky foreign exchange student Carlos can't pitch in: Sounds like you are how you say? off the beam. In fact, Jean is so busy, she's even missed family devotions several times! At her breaking point, Jean reads the Bible and suddenly figures it all out: I spread myself so thin, I forgot my chief loyalty... My loyalty to Christ! Once again, all is happy. Finally, a bunch of very recognizable character actors (whose names probably won't ring any bells) appear in The Right Start (1955, b&w). Pint-sized punk (PETER VOTRIAN) uses the old five-finger discount to swipe an alarm clock from storekeeper WALTER COY (the voodoo priest of I Eat Your Skin) who then tells Christian cop STUART RANDALL. After the cop confers with the boy's grim-faced pa, PAUL BRYAR, the little delinquent is enrolled in Sunday school! And surprise, surprise once the kid is give a lil' New Testament all his own (Isn't it slick! Can I write my name in it, Pa?) he decides stealing alarm clocks just isn't his style anymore. And yes, all is happy. Those Lutherans really do have all the answers! From 16mm holier-than-thou prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW5558 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V03
Teenage Testament, Teenage Challenge, Teenage Crusade, Red Trap!
Satan be damned! The Almighty kicks ass left and right in this third collection of Christian Youth Scare Films! First up is Teenage Testament (1960, b&w), in which young Roy (and his receding hairline) works at a malt shop owned by his Aunt Gertie (DOROTHY ADAMS, Mrs. Cameron in The Best Years of Our Lives). Quick to dish out some gospel with a scoop of ice cream, Roy preaches to many customers but particularly needles Josh, the cab driver with a real dilly of an ulcer. Sounds like you need food for the soul, Roy says. With his brimstone counter behavior (and creepy automaton looks) driving customers away, Gertie asks Roy to can the religious talk. Roy is understandably torn between honoring his family's wishes and doing what he knows is right. As a fellow Christian tells him, he's really in a spot. But before long, he's got Aunt Gertie piping hymns into the shop, customers or no customers. Hallelujah! (Question: is the RICHARD MILES who stars in this and Teenage Crusade the same Richard Miles who co-wrote that quintessential Christian classic They Saved Hitler's Brain?) In Teenage Challenge (1959, b&w), Dave, a real fire-breathing, heathen-eating preacher boy, enters the school essay contest which asks what is the biggest challenge teens face. Why, to be a Christian, he answers in five hundred words or less. His entry is one of the winners but the godless school board won't let him read it at the assembly because of its controversial content: It's too religious for around here! Rather than write another, he rejoices when the editor of the school paper promises to run it in the next edition. Yea! Separation of church and state sucks! Teenage Crusade (1960, b&w) finds Don (the deeply disturbed Billy Haloran of Coppola's Dementia 13) and his youth group planning a jalopy raid to bring wayward souls to their next church party complete with cool, not-at-all-stupid activities like egg races and playing ping-pong using only your breath. A jalopy raid? says one hesitant hoodlum, How corny can you get! Agreed, greaser. (As the pastor says, It's not easy to be a Christian...) With more bad halo jokes than there were locusts at the plague, this edition also features The Red Trap (1959, b&w), a short about the dangers of Communist hussies. Since the commies would love to snare the son of a superior court judge, semi-brainwashed Carl is recruited by (familiar movie tough guy) DON GORDON and a soulless Soviet slut much to the annoyance of the FBI. Fortunately, Carl talks things out with Pastor Bob (who reads from J. Edgar Hoover's Masters of Deceit) and ends up trading in communism for Dad's sexy secretary EVE BRENT (aka Jean Ann Lewis), star of Gun Girls! A bit of trivia: The first two films in this VOLUME both contain the angry line, Alright, you clowns! From 16mm heaven-sent prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW5559 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V04
What Happened To JoJo?, God is in the Streets, Yellow Slippers!
Fed up with Satan? Then trade in those horns for a sparkling new halo and kick back with VOLUME 4 of our Christian Scare Film series and experience the wonder and joy of God Himself invading your TV set! Years after inflaming passions with her pre-pubescent skinny-dip in Child Bride (1939), SHIRLEY MILES (billed here as Shirley O. Mills) does penance by appearing in the Protestant Film Commission's What Happened to Jo Jo (1950, b&w). Shirley's friend, Jo Jo Wheeler (SUE ENGLAND), a self-described rattlebrain, pities the poor folks in the slums of Mulberry Street and suggests that the overage kids of her Christian Citizenship organization somehow help them. Wandering past all the scary ethnic types that prowl the streets, Jo Jo is weirdly excited by it all: I was thrilled! I was actually slumming! All that changes, however, when she's beaned on the head by a rock thrown by young and snarling RUSS TAMBYLN (Satan's Sadists), billed here simply as Rusty. Fuck helping the kids, Jo Jo now wants to send Russ to reform school until she has a spiritual awakening in the courtroom: I'm a Christian and I've just begun to understand what it means! What Happened to Jo Jo was directed by EDWARD L. CAHN who, a few years later, would forsake Christian youth for the leather-clad specimens of AIP's Shake, Rattle, and Roll (1956), Dragstrip Girl (1957), and Motorcycle Gang (1957). And watch for former Charles Foster Kane, BUDDY SWAN, as a tough-talking Protestant: Eats! How about the eats?! Then a high-strung JEFF MORROW (star of The Giant Claw) learns that God Is in the Streets (1956, b&w) when he checks into a fleabag hotel and is driven nuts by REED HADLEY (Brain of Blood) and his Salvation Army band playing just below the window of his room. After paying cheap thug RUSSELL JOHNSON (the professor on Gilligan's Island) twenty bucks to throw fruit at them, Morrow takes a gun and sets out to murder former wife PHYLLIS COATES (Lois Lane). Oddly, he eventually winds up at the Salvation Army where he learns that, You're never alone... You're never alone... You're never alone... Then it's off to Poland for Yellow Slipper (color) a weird featurette that looks like a surreal kiddie film fairy tale produced by FCU Illuzjon on stylized sets about the orphan boy who became a sculptor. Based on legend, a blond-haired waif endures beatings, runs off with an acrobatic troupe, and evades Black Raphael, a murderous thief missing an ear, in order to join a group of Medieval artists who are carving the spectacular (and authentic) altar piece for the cathedral of Krakow. Though it's all meant to be highly inspirational, we were nevertheless rooting for Raphael... From 16mm blessed-are-they prints. Buy this or burn in Hell. Watson Pritchard
Code: SW6662 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V05
Teenage Diary (1960, color), Our Children: Spending Money (1958, b&w), Our Children: Turn the Other Cheek (1958, color), The Big Deal (1964, color), Crisis in Morality (1961, b&w)
Are you a sinner? Do you wish to be saved? Then climb aboard the Christian Express with this fifth VOLUME of our Christian Scare Films series as we choo-choo our way to heaven. Next stop, your soul! Poor Penny (va-va-va-VONDA VAN DYKE). As Teenage Diary (1960, color) reveals, her evening at the Senior Party is an unmitigated disaster. She can barely get out of the house without her miserable, life-loathing parents starting an argument. Then her date, good Christian Brad, tries to loosen her up with a quick quote from Christ. But it's the one-two punch of a heathen tiki bar and the bongo beat of The Counts that so inflames her passion that she and Brad start sinning on the beach which is exactly when her drunken maniac of a dad shows up to beat the bejesus out of them. Penny's mom is equally sympathetic: Why you little tramp! she says as she slaps Penny across the face. Penny next meets Brad's spookily cheerful mother who goes into a weird, trance-like Christian rant about God and love and sinful desire that would even make Jesus' head spin and, appropriately enough, sends Penny scurrying to jump off a cliff... Our Children: Spending Money (1958, b&w) finds semi-adorable Dorothy frustrated over the 50¢ her cheapskate father gives her as an allowance. Jealous of the cool clothes the girl next door has, Dorothy acquires an angora collar by less than church-approved means, leading to a typical Christian Family Crisis. Hey, thou shalt not steal, bitch! (Also appearing is frequent Superman thug HERB VIGRAN as Clyde, a lawn mower-obsessed neighbor!) In Our Children: Turn the Other Cheek (1958, color), little brat-faced Molly (KATHY GARVER, Cissy on TV's Family Affair) is caught in the middle of a feud between her two best friends, Sue and Carol. Succumbing to pressure, Molly eventually snaps and does a terrible, terrible thing: she talks back to Sue's mom! Fortunately, her wussy Christian dad (ROBERT ROCKWELL) is right there to tell her all about turning the other cheek, and Molly telephones an apology while her parents watch with frozen smiles. Why, she's like a little female Jesus! The Big Deal (1964, color) is a convoluted lesson in Christian honesty during which little Pete decides not to cheat his best friend after Uncle Fred gives the family some delicious chicken salad which is actually made of rabbit. Finally, AL SANDERS, Vice President of the Bible Institute of Los Angeles, alerts us to a Crisis in Morality (1961, b&w) which infiltrates, impregnates, and pollutes every avenue of our society! Unlike most Christian Scare Films, this one revels in sin, showing us everything from bars and burlesque theaters to such spectacles as a Roman orgy and a guy stealing pencils at work. Dirty Movies! (Look! Kipling's Women!) Divorce! (The very word reeks with tragedy!)! Profanity! (Graffiti-spewing toddlers!) Juvenile Delinquency! (Zip guns! Switchblades! The Delinquent's Yo-Yo!) Narcotics! (Captain Lou Brown gives us the inside dope!) Yes, the Disease is Sin! The solution? The Big G! From 16mm praise-the-Lord prints. Watson Pritchard
Code: SW7422 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V06
Unto Thyself Be True (b&w), Teenagers' Parents (color), Our Children: A Clean House (color), How Do I Love Thee? (color), Our Children: King of the Block (color)
Is there anything on Earth more cheerfully wholesome than a good ol' God-fearing, glassy-eyed Christian? Well... yeah: good ol' God-fearing, glassy-eyed Christian Scare Films. This is VOLUME 6 of our spiritual series and, yes, God Himself wants you to watch it... Unto Thyself Be True (b&w): Bill's life is a real mess. He's trying to save up some cash to get his dad a nice Father's day present, but his old man is a Mean Old Jerk that keeps picking on him. When Dad finally bans Bill from using the family car, plans for Bill's Sunday church picnic go straight out the window... Until sneaky Bill takes the car anyway and oh no! gets in a fender bender. Jumpin catfish! he screams. The cover-up goes poorly and Bill ends up in police custody... Scary says: Doomy gloomy Christian delinquency! Teenagers' Parents (color): Tex, a jumbo-burger-eating smoothie, has his eyes set on Carol, a perky blonde Carol Burnett clone. Trouble is, Carol has some pretty big issues with her parents who are So Strict they don't let her date! Tex tries to win the parents over but fails. Things then go from bad to worse when Tex invites Carol to a bible party. You'd think that would be okay but noooooo... Carol's parents are so hardcore they forbid her from that too! Nevertheless, after some Christian-style sneaking around, Carol makes it to the meeting... Scary says: More repressed than Rush Limbaugh's zipper! Our Children: A Clean House (color): Susan wants to wear a new dress to Sally's birthday party, but Mom's scissors are missing so she has to wear the old pink one. Then Granny arrives but Susan's closet is so messy, Granny can't unpack her enormous wardrobe! Not only that but Susan broke Mom's pearl necklace! Good Lord!!! Mom finally decides it's time for a nice long Christian Speech all about cleaning up and respecting God's will. Scary says: Remember, Cleanliness is next to Godliness! How Do I Love Thee? (color) is a spectacular Mormon lecture on pre-marital sex! Jennie's roommate, Penny, is a real hussy. All she cares about is boys, boys, boys, and boys! Though Jennie doesn't quite share her friend's lust for men, she nevertheless soon becomes enchanted with Ken. The relationship moves a Little Too Fast for Jennie, and she breaks it off. Jennie then finds out Penny is pregnant, and must leave college. After much sobbing, Ken and Jennie decide to stay together but no sex! Scary says: The chastity monster rears its ugly head and takes no prisoners! Our Children: King of the Block (color): Lo and behold! It's the Skipper ALAN HALE! And he's building snotty little Stevie a tree-house. Where's his little buddy? Oh well. Stevie turns into Big Jerk when he gets inside the tree-house and thinks he can boss his friends around. Soon we see where Stevie learned this un-Christian behavior from... and, yup, its the Skipper! King of the Block ends with Mother addressing the audience a rarity for films of this type. Scary says: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a faithful drip... Scary Ed
Code: SW7423 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Christian Youth Scare Films V07
Just a Stranger (color), Winsome Witness (b&w), Tokens of Love (b&w), Our Children: A Bigger Reward (color), Painful Confession (color)
Let's face facts. When you die, you're undoubtedly going to Hell. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Unless, of course, you turn your life around right this very minute. And what better way to start than by watching VOLUME 7 of our Christian Scare Film series. Then, hallelujah, you'll be Heaven bound! Just a Stranger (color): A creepy Evangelical Horror Film. Some kids are telling Ma and Pa about their Sunday school teacher, who said that all non-Christians are going to Hell. Yes, that's right, Hell. At first Pa thinks this teacher might be a bit over zealous, but the more he hears the voices in his head, the more he believes the teacher just may be right. And then there's Mr. Harrison, the quiet man that's staying with the family. Is he a Christian? Is he going to Hell too? The kids keep harping on Pa to find out, but Pa keeps putting it off until... Well, we won't spoil the exciting and twisted ending to this dark little opus here. Scary says: Turn out the lights, light up a stick, and prepare for scare! Winsome Witness (b&w): Terry shoots himself in the head with Ray's loaded gun. And then he dies. And then Christian Guilt runs amok as Ray flips out and his friend, Sue, tries to reel him back in. Will she succeed? This one also features a great scene where Sue plays some soft jazz records and her father reacts as if it's heavy metal. Scary says: For those about to rock, we salute you! Tokens of Love (b&w): A Christian family that talk like tranquilized Darth Vaders enjoy a meal together. If you don't die of laughter watching them, the goofy story that follows will kill you. It's Valentine's Day and the family is pleased as punch. Christian Joe and his Christian sisters hide paper hearts all through the house while Christian Mom and Dad grin and make us laugh even harder with their creepy Satanic voices... Scary says, So funny, it hurts! Our Children: A Bigger Reward (color): A big, fat, decidedly non-Christian raccoon breaks into a house and little Carl decides to keep it. (He even names it Rac. Carl is so clever.) But Rac is a naughty 'coon and after making a mess, he eats the family's pet fish! Soon, however, Rac's owner shows up offering a reward for his return. Carl suddenly gets real greedy and expects a Big Reward. Instead, he gets a good ol' Christian lecture on the bigger reward. All of which concludes with Carl's mother directly addressing the audience about Christian Values. Scary says: Raccoons and Christians: Who would have thought? Painful Confession (color): Bill's friend, Steve, hits someone with his motor bike. As police sirens wail by, the two guys hide in a garage and argue about whether or not they should tell anyone. They decide not to. But, uh oh, as soon as Christian Guilt starts to kick in, Steve loses his grip. Thankfully, his Christian Dad's bible readings knock him into shape and he confesses painfully. Scary says: Hit-and-run Christian scare tactics! Scary Ed
Code: SW7424 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

NEW! Christian Youth Scare Films V09
The Door to Heaven, The Bible in a Warring World, Reaching Out, Speak No Evil, Summer Decision
Jesus wants you! And you better follow Him and do what He says or you won't get into Heaven and, instead, will burn Down Below with the little devils and their pitchforks. So, please, watch this 9th volume of Christian Scare Films and believe! The Door to Heaven (b&w): Jaw-dropping 1940's-era Christian Scare Film showcases the Door to Heaven. Literally. Forget about those Pearly Gates - the Door to Heaven is actually a perfectly ordinary white wooden-framed door in a black room with white stars painted on the walls. Just so there's no confusion, there's even a Door to Heaven sign above it. And, nope, you just can't pass through Heaven's Door into the beautiful city of gold if you're carrying a Big Box of Sin. (A guy tries but the box is wider than the door frame!) Nor can you enter if you're holding a valentine-style heart labelled Unbelief, or while holding bags of money or a placard reading Earthly Fame. Major Hot Tip: you better get in there while the Door's still open! Wow. Featured extensively in Diane Keaton's wonderfully wacky documentary, Heaven (1987), The Door to Heaven is the definitive examination of all doors - heavenly or otherwise - and, hands down, the Greatest Christian Scare Film ever made! Scary says, Break on through to the other side! The Bible in a Warring World (b&w): Speaks the praises of The American Bible Society who provide bibles for the Armed Forces because, damn it, not even the horrors of World War II can stand between a man and his New Testament! Scary says, Don't let war spoil your enjoyment of the scripture! Reaching Out (b&w): It's infighting galore as Church members must decide whether to use their savings to fix up the old church or to build new churches in booming suburbia. (Ironically, the church member most opposed to branching out is actor LEWIS MARTIN, who played the proselytizing preacher blasted by the Martians in War of the Worlds!) After much head-scratching and voting angst, the missionary types score a victory and, before you can say franchise, the streets of suburbia are lined with churches with plenty more due on the horizon! Scary says, Spread the Word, missionary style! Speak No Evil (b&w): Nancy works for Mr. Rogers (JAMES ANDERSON, usually a B-movie bad guy in films like I Married a Monster from Outer Space) and, after an innocent late night at the office, he drives her home. A nosy neighbor spots the two and gossip soon spreads like wildfire! Nancy's poor husband, Ted (played by a young preStar Trek DE FOREST KELLEY), takes it well but Mrs. Rogers does not. Thank goodness Ted is on hand to calm her down with words from Christ! Scary says, Damn it, Jim, I'm a bit player in a Christian Scare Film, not a doctor! Summer Decision (b&w): Psyche rock and surfing open this unusual Christian dilemma film. Paul wants to surf with his non-Christian pal in Hawaii, but he's already made plans to spend the summer at Christian camp. While there, a group of teens - including Spider Baby's BEVERLY WASHBURN! - tragically wrestle with the baggage of being Do-Gooder Christians in a swingin' party era. Scary says, Surf's up! God's a bummer! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7738 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

NEW! Christian Youth Scare Films V10
Great Discovery, As We Forgive
Go ahead: make a mistake, screw up big time, and you'll be punished for All Eternity. Got that? You'll burn in Hell forever and ever and ever... Unless, of course, you embrace Jesus and heed the messages on this 10th and very special volume of Christian Scare Films.... Great Discovery (b&w): Imagine if Ed Wood had decided to make a film about a young woman's journey of self-discovery at a Christian school and you'll only begin to scale the dizzying heights of this rare feature-length Christian Inspirational which packs a strong cockeyed punch thanks mainly to the wacky hysteria of its main character, Connie Chandler (COLLEEN TOWNSEND). Connie is working in Belgium, and not quite sure in which direction her life is going: It seems that I'm always running away; running away from myself! After a chance meeting with a cardboard cut-out masquerading as a nice old lady - Are you a Christian, Connie? Maybe you'd like to go to Westmont! It's a Christian college in Santa Barbara! - Connie meets Dave Lindsay, an all-smug, all-singing Christian minister-intraining who actually stands in the middle of a room and sings a hymn to her. He is, of course, The Man of Her Dreams... maybe. His godly Christian charm convinces her to fly back to America and attend Westmont College with him and, at first, Connie thinks she has found her road to Damascus: It sounds like a story right out of a storybook! But, uh oh, the fireworks begin after Connie enrolls at the school (whose curriculum involves lots and lots of hymn singing) where she feels like a complete misfit (I kept pulling the same boners over and over again!) and realizes that Dave cares more about his psalms than he does about her. Even Doris, her brainwashed fundamentalist roommate, begins to look at her like she was unclean: You don't have Christ in your heart! Things finally explode when Connie screams at a bunch of girls for behaving like lobotomized zombies: Oh you're so smug and so happy! Go ahead and tell your friends you couldn't do a thing with Connie Chandler because she was such a sinner! But, lo and behold, moments later she has an epiphany and finds Jesus: The Lord has really taken over! Wow. Everything about this production is Christian Perfect, from the dialogue to the performers to the sets to the creepy, Carnival of Souls-style organ music playing quietly in every scene. Don't miss this one, folks! It's Bob Jones meets Glen or Glenda at a Church picnic where the tea has been spiked with amphetamines! Scary says, Christianity scores a feature and everybody wins! As We Forgive (b&w): As if you need a bonus after watching the above, this little gem explores a church that sponsors a juvenile-delinquent reform program. We meet J. D. Eddie (The Tingler's DARRYL HICKMAN), a real teenage terror who almost punches out the boss at his new construction job. The Church reigns him in and discovers he's quite a pimp on the organ. Eddie begins his reformation with the help of Jesus, but he finds that people just won't forgive and forget his J. D. past.... Scary says, Me and hymn! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7739 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

NEW! Christian Youth Scare Films V11
A Wonderful Life, On the Right Side, There Was a Widow, Stranger At Our Door,
Trust us. Burning in Hell while little devils stick pitchforks in your butt is Not Fun. So join the Christian march on the road to Heaven by watching this 11th volume of Christian Scare Films and get your sorry ass saved! A Wonderful Life (b&w): Two of The Ape Man's alumni - director WILLIAM BEAUDINE (who also gave the world Billy the Kid vs. Dracula) and screenplay writer BARNEY A. SARECKY (who was Associate Producer on most of the Lugosi Monograms) - are reunited again, courtesy of The Protestant Film Commission, for some slick Christian inspiration starring ARTHUR SHIELDS (the werewolf in Daughter of Dr. Jekyll) as a small-town preacher who, alas, does not sprout fangs here, and featuring a bit part by Jimmy Olsen (JACK LARSEN). Henry Wood (JAMES DUNN) was a wonderful man who loved his family, church, and garden, helped those in need, and gave most of his money to charity. Trouble is, he's now dead and his daughter thinks back on all the kind things her father did and all the things she and her family missed out on and asks the obvious question, Did he really have such a wonderful life? Scary says, No. On the Right Side (b&w): Christian money woes reach fever pitch between Mary (ANN SAVAGE), the girl next door, gay and carefree, and her troubled hubbie, Bill, a degenerate gambler, after Bill squanders all their cash - which includes raiding little Joan's piggy bank - and writes bad checks to a couple of mobsters. Fed up, Mary goes to Judge Wilson and asks for a divorce. Instead, the Judge says he'll take the case to God's court. After all, Bill can and will give up gambling when his faith is restored! The Judge then offers to help Bill out if, for the next 90 days, Bill agrees to become, in essence, The Judge's Christian slave.... Can God's Way stop Bill's gambling problem? Scary says, Bet on it! There Was a Widow (b&w): Though innocent, 19 year-old Roy Palmer is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter in this Biblical parable come to life. Though things look understandably grim, his devoted mother (the great ELLEN CORBY, Grandma Walton herself) decides to fight injustice with the Power of Prayer: God will help me! I know He will! Sure enough, after harassing a befuddled eyewitness and getting a local reporter on her side, Mrs. Palmer and God then squeeze the judge into granting Roy a new trial. Look out, world, here comes Roy's mommy! Watch this, then drop to your knees. Scary says, The Wrath of Mom! Stranger At Our Door (b&w): Mama, why is it so many are against Foreigners? asks Foreign Josepf of his Foreign Mom after he's just been beaten up by Foreignerhating semi-delinquents led by ugly Eddie. Eventually making friends with a young man named Steve - although Josepf acts more like he has a crush on the guy - Josepf and Steve get framed for supposedly stealing a car. Prosecutor LYLE TALBOT wants to lock them up and throw away the key, but Josepf saves the day with a Christian Speech about God, the Bible, faith, and democracy until even ugly Eddie wants to join Josepf at Church on Sunday! Scary says, Technically, God's a Foreigner too! - Scary Ed
Code: SW7740 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

NEW! Christian Youth Scare Films V12
Rim of the Wheel, You Can't Buy Friendship, Flying Straight, No Other Gods, First Impressions, Half Inch of Selfishness, Life That Satisfies,
Glory, glory, hallelujah, our 12th volume of Christian Scare Films features an even half dozen Christian Classics from Family Films, a Protestant juggernaut of Christian cinema that churned out short after short as a modest contribution towards a better way of life. They remain God's favorite film company. Rim of the Wheel (b&w): My Little Margie herself, GALE STORM, plays Virginia Sutton, a socialite with such a pointlessly busy life that she doesn't have time for the things that really matter. Why, even her husband is forced to wash the dishes after she dashes out to a club meeting: In this day and age, you've got to keep going or you'll be left by the wayside! But after the 80 year-old coot next door teaches her kids how to pray on their knees - Reminds me to be humble and submit myself to the will of the Lord! - he then browbeats Virginia about her gallivanting ways - Get off the rim of the wheel and get close to God! - until she breaks down, cries hysterically and, overnight, becomes a simple housewife content with cooking, keeping house, and being blissfully domestic. All of which suggests that it's time Gramps was put away in a home. You Can't Buy Friendship (b&w): After a lecture from a Christian Mom, two cousins learn that friendship must be earned, not bought. Besides, all the money they'll save will come in handy when they grow up and want to purchase hookers. Flying Straight (b&w): Little Bobby Nelson tries to build a model airplane for a church contest but becomes psychotically enraged and crushes it while grimacing wildly. He instead submits his cousin's glider as his own, but cracks under the Christian scrutiny of his mom, VIRGINIA CHRISTINE (The Mummy's Curse). Learning a lesson about honesty, Bobby will forever ride the Jesus Airline! No Other Gods (b&w): Lots of B-movie faces in this one - including WANDA McKAY (Because of Eve) and RICHARD CRANE (The Alligator People) - in a love triangle between Wanda, a football player, rich kid Crane, and an inventor, who all learn a cheap lesson in capitalism and worshipping false gods. Makes you wonder whether a simple Christian Three-way wouldn't have been a hell of a lot easier. First Impressions (b&w): Little Davey (JOHNNY CRAWFORD of Village of the Giants) wants Spike Miller to pitch on his baseball team, but Spike scares everyone: He thinks he's so tough! But tough Spike is actually a Christian softie which Davey's bigoted Aunt Martha quickly learns. Love thy neighbor... not! Half Inch of Selfishness (b&w): Two battling brothers become Christian angels after a talk by their befuddled dad who could've saved us all some time by just beating the Christian crap out of them. Life That Satisfies (b&w): The one short not made by Family Films in this batch offers Musical Moments with Paul and Bob from The Scriptures Visualized Institute. Paul and blind Bob, both of whom are actually rather scary, stand with their guitars in a small dark room and sing Christian tunes while dispensing dollops of Christian wisdom: If you do not receive Jesus, there's no hope for you! How'd you like to find these two singing lullabies in your bedroom tonight? - Born Again Pritchard
Code: SW7741 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQY Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V01: Drug Horrors!
Weed, Up Pills Down Pills, Boozers, Keep Off the Grass, Drugs and the Nervous System, Heroin!
During the Great White Suburban Drug Scare of the late sixties / early seventies, parents, educators, and corporate sponsors banded together in an effort to scare American teens away from getting high. It might be argued that the weird and often hysterical propaganda films that emerged from this era created more drug abuse than they prevented. Nevertheless, here's a handful of Classroom Scare Films from a groovy by-gone era that will fascinate and entertain you from beginning to end... This VOLUME begins with Weed (color), a non-biased look at marijuana, complete with timelapse footage of cannabis poking out of the soil and springing forth. Following is Ups / Downs (color) which is all about the wonders of amphetamines and barbiturates. The interview about the drugs' effects with the Adam Duritz/Robert Heges stand-in offers nothing more than a drug-addled mumble, but watch for the Monty Python-esque animation and the scene in which scientists give speed to a spider to see what sort of wacky web it will weave. Boozers and Users (color), an all-inclusive booze-nicotine-pot rant is next, with a leisure-suited narrator introducing such elements as a Marcia Brady-like teenage alkie raiding Mom's purse for apple wine money, an amph addict that looks exactly like Nick Cage in Con Air, and a debate on pot's addictive nature between two stereotypical black construction workers: Man, I hear that marijuana can really mess up yo' head! Hemp is again explored and deplored in Keep off the Grass (color), in which a bald father tries to dissuade his son from lighting up. But all the artists and writers use it! the little boy says in defense. Dad asks him to read all the facts, handing him a special issue of Life, to which the son scoffs, Aw, man, establishment propaganda? To get the true facts, the kid tags along with stoner buddy Mack, who takes him on a tour of a garden pot party, a head shop, and the residence of a psychedelic poster artist named Waco. The effects of household drugs on the brain are painstakingly explained in Drugs and the Nervous System (color) through crappy, line-drawing cartoons. During the section on aspirin, a boy is shown rolling in bed, his face all a-flush with sweat, leading us to believe that either aspirin really works or he's just had the best self-sex of his life. Then at the darkest end of the drug spectrum is the gritty docudrama Scag (color). Spend a day in the depressing lives of Toni and Robby, two strung-out junkies from different sides of the tracks, who candidly explain how they got where they are. You feel like selling your own mother, and would... if someone would buy her. From 16mm devil's-weed prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine; Lisa Petrucci, SWV
Code: SW4967 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V02: Health Horrors!
VD Truth or Con, VD, Scoliosis, Smoking - It's Your Choice, Alcohol - How Much Is Too Much?, Prevention - Control of Dental Disease, Your Mouth, Drug Use or Abuse!
Find me a single fourth-grader in America who, while watching VD: Truth or Consequences (color), wouldn't giggle upon witnessing a curly-topped boy ask his father, Dad, I've got this strange discharge coming out of my penis. Do you think it could be VD? Hell, see if you don't cringe at the sight of a prepubescent girl being placed in the stirrups for a quick once-over from her dimwit of a doctor, before the widespread advent of rubber gloves! For further discomfort, check out the doctor with the greasy mustache and beard, joyfully discussing hard chancres as if he were talking about his kids. And keep your eyes peeled for ANGIS SCRIMM, the spooky undertaker from those Phantasm movies, as a similarly spooky parent. There's a warning on Scoliosis (color), complete with several unflinching shots of youngsters' uneven backs, appearing more crooked than any Kennedy. Some are so out of whack, they look like Victor Hugo novels waiting to be written. Smoking, It's Your Choice (color) also carries an air of uneasiness, letting a ventriloquist's dummy suck on the sticks. Everyone knows dummies are frightening enough; to see them imitating your decrepit uncle is like planting the seeds of mental instability. Alcohol: How Much Is Too Much? (color) demonstrates booze's intoxicating effects on the body by readily pouring vodka into the tank of a goldfish until the little denizen of the demi-deep is happily swimming in carefree loop-de-loops. Now that's entertainment. Prevention - The Control of Dental Disease (color) and Your Mouth (color) are included, one with an overabundance of saliva and cool X-ray footage of a guy swallowing food, and the other demonstrating how to floss our teeth so thoroughly that the whole process could last well over three hours. Drugs: Use or Abuse (color) features enough foreboding, Dragnet-esque music and painfully slow narration to drive viewers to Percocet. We see a gestapo pharmacist preparing some evil potion, as well as kids at the playground eating pills like candy. From 16mm rash-covered prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW4968 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V03: More Drug Horrors!
People vs. Pot, The Trip Back, Marijuana Driving and You, Smoky Joe's High Ride, No Smoking, Marijuana the Hidden Danger.
You no doubt remember sitting in grade school, struggling to stay awake as the rickety film projector unspooled one of many god-awful educational shorts the library owned, full of good intentions but bad fashions, with the message always overshadowed by the amateurish acting and the decades-old decor. Now you can recreate those warm memories from the comfort of your own couch with Something Weird Video's extensive and exclusive line of Classroom Scare Films! Wacky tobaccy is targeted as Public Enemy No. 1 in this uproarious collection of six films from the decadent sixties to the just-say-no eighties. The People vs. Pot (b&w) has its own jaunty theme song, sung by a Neil Diamond soundalike: Pot! Pot! Gimme some pot! Forget what you are, you can be what you're not! Pretty soon, you've got servicemen in hypnotic trances, choking on their own vomit. Following is The Trip Back (color), a sermon delivered by a fiftyish ex-dope fiend/whore who happens to be the most annoying Jewish princess ever committed to film. Her tirade to an auditorium of visibly frightened school children seems like one long run-on sentence in which she tries to convince the kids she was fly, ridicules those who dare question her generalizations, and addresses some of the crowd as you Negro girls. Smoky Joe's Highride (color) is about a new video game, the object of which is to get the toke-taking hero and his carpool of pals across town without killing pedestrians. Making extensive use of animation, this is like Reefer Madness for the Pac-Man crowd. In a series of testimonials by clean-cut, drug-addled teens in NYC, The Losers (b&w) start out by sniffing glue and smoking pot, move on to bennies and mainlining smack, and eventually end up in prison or the mental hospital. And the biggest lesson: never, ever put Mr. Rat in a glass cage slathered with airplane glue, he won't be very much fun to play with later. In No Smoking (color), an omniscient voice warns viewers not to suck on those little paper incinerators. Look for the most laughable crotchety-old-man-catches-couch-on-fire-with-cigarette sequence in cinema history. Lastly, Marijuana: The Hidden Danger (color) is a man-on-the-street type of news story, filmed at a time in America when men sported Steve Rubell haircuts and everything was brown. See the crazed Rhesus monkeys! From 16mm pot-headed prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine; Lisa Petrucci, SWV
Code: SW5547 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V04: Manners, Health, & Safety
Dating Do's and Don'ts, Junior Prom, Getting Ready for School, Safety after School, Safety to School, Traffic Safety, Going Steady!
This gem is kicked off by Dating Do's and Don'ts (b&w), in which young Woody seems vexed in preparing for his first date: Ma! Ma! he yells in his deviated-septum voice, Do we have any cleaning fluid? I've got a spot on my coat! His panicking is for naught, however, as he and Anne have fun at the Hi-Teen Carnival popping balloons with darts and scarfing down cotton candy in record time. Junior Prom (b&w) has two of the oldest-looking high schoolers on record preparing for their big date, Goofus & Gallant-style. Getting Ready for School (b&w) is one of the funniest shorts I've ever seen. Little Ricky has trouble preparing for his day because he's always so tired and mixed-up, demonstrated by shunning arithmetic homework for working a United States jigsaw puzzle. It's not until he gets to spend the night with pal Pete that he learns how to prepare the right way (and evidently, that includes sharing toilet time and showers). Safety After School is next, where three boys learn how to use crosswalks, pick up rakes, and get rid of broken beer bottles. The similar Safely to School details why it takes two kids two hours to walk two blocks to school. These kids stop for cracks on the sidewalk, they're so damn careful! A diorama adds to the fun. Traffic Rules (color) requires each of us to become our own traffic cop. In a cheerfully animated short, we learn it's our own damn fault if we get run over by a car.Playing in the street is dangerous and it's also selfish! Boys and girls who want to be considerate and not get hurt follow the rules. The tape closes with Going Steady (color), the story of a young man who gets hooked on smack after attending a swank party where he wants desperately to get into the pants of some young hussy. After getting blasted with her in the garage, he's having problems stepping off curbs and undergoing major freak-outs as he experiences withdrawal... and all with a super-swingin' soundtrack! From 16mm ultra-cautious prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine Lisa Petrucci, SWV
Code: SW6118 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V05: Even More Drug Horrors!
Marijuana, Narcotics - The Inside Story, Focus on Heroin, Thinking About Drinking, The PCP Story!
Awwwwww, freak out! Noted Percocet hound SONNY BONO, replete in shiny orange suit, dishes about Marijuana (color) and how its user are cooler than those square and unhip alcoholics. Still, the film illustrates the downsides to grass, such as seeing yourself in a mirror with a spooky monster mask, careening off a cliff, or in the case of one Nigerian pusher executed. You also see a monkey taking bong hits in a lab, which is, quite frankly, priceless. But Narcotics: The Inside Story (color) almost goes one better by showing you a bunch of rats hopped-up on pills, which is far more entertaining than watching the CGI antics of Stuart Little; followed by happy-go-lucky teenagers enjoying a seemingly unrelated beach blanket barbecue featuring a rather milquetoast volleyball game and weenie roast. A sleepy, sweater-clad DAVID HARTMAN narrates Focus on Heroin (color), which addresses that nagging argument that milk leads to heroin use. (Huh?!) After playing a quick round of Spot the Addict, he takes us to the ghetto to rap with some dudes jonesin' for smack. If you're Thinking About Drinking (color), this little film makes it all the more attractive with appealing Colorform-type illustrations. The narrator offers up this fun fact: It takes less alcohol to affect smaller people. Translation: Drink up, fatties! The PCP Story (color) interviews several (ab)users, all of whom look like Aerosmith roadies. One snaggle-toothed chick says she likes the drug because, I can laugh and be goofy. At least it doesn't make her look like Eric Stoltz from Mask, as one user who is interviewed during his trip. He's asked how he feels; he answers with a smile, I'm being photographed! Rounding out this chemical collection are trailers from feature-length scare flicks, including The Pusher, Marijuana, The People Next Door, and Mary Jane, the latter starring (of all people) FABIAN. Hey, if Sonny can do it... From 16mm drug-induced prints. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW6325 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V06: Kids in Trouble!
The Strange Ones, The Drop Out, Acting With Maturity, Read the Label and Live, Headed for Trouble!
Listen up, students! It's time for another round of those watch-your-ass short subjects that you only thought were good and gone. Pay attention to this sixth VOLUME of Classroom Scare Films and you just might learn something! Those creepy middle-aged guys with beer bellies and unkempt hair who roam the streets looking for kiddie companions are targeted for ridicule in The Strange Ones (color), SID DAVIS' seventies update on his classic pedophile-pervert child-molester classic, The Dangerous Stranger. After accepting candy and a ride from a stranger, little Karen is filled in by a trusty policewoman about these mentally-ill scavengers, whom she dubs strange ones, but which we all know is a euphemism for guys who want to touch your pee-pee. Karen is warned to not talk to strangers, stay away from restrooms in the park (where she might also inadvertently be exposed to some gay lovin'), or venture through lonely alleyways. Picture Tony Dow with zits and a job at a shoe plant, and you're looking at Robert, the star of the next film, The Drop Out, another gloriously grim exercise in hopelessness from the great Sid Davis. Once an A student but now a poor schmo, this loser is shown wandering aimlessly, as if looking for a clue. He tries to get a decent job but, without schooling, is reduced to working at the local hamburger stand. Worse, Robert takes to wearing a black leather jacket and hanging around the pool hall. He's also interviewed about his educational mistakes by an older man as the two sit in a field. Such a location prompts visions of more personal questions like, Do you ever get that... Y'know, not-so-fresh feeling? Acting with Maturity (color) is a primer on how to control your temper so you don't engage in fisticuffs at the drop of a hat. Through stories of pain and loss can't find a date, can't shoot hoops children are taught that you just don't beat the shit out of someone because you feel like it. (Unless, of course, you're good and drunk.) Read the Label And Live! (color) offers many promising cinematic moments including a woman's head igniting while applying hairspray, a man going up in flames as he paints in the garage, and a girl's face getting singed as she cooks. Too bad these moments are confined to offscreen action; they would've rocked. Then there's Headed for Trouble (b&w), a painfully melodramatic lesson in juvenile delinquency. Follow the juvy-hall exploits of chronic curfew-breaker Mary and teenage hoodlum Bucky after he's just pulled off the biggest job in his career: pilfering the school cafeteria cashbox. And who's that playing one of the snarling JD's? Yup, its JASON MILLER, Father Karras of The Exorcist, prior to joining the priesthood. The only way you could have more school-associated fun is if they started serving screwdrivers at detention. Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Code: SW6326 Genre: MQH Genre2: CQS Retail: $15.00

Classroom Scare Films V07: Drugs and Beyond!
Narcotics Part I: Goof Balls and Tea (1957, color), Beyond LSD